UPDATE: Geez people, this is satire...
Around 5:45 AM every morning I wake up to my wrist vibrating. It's the silent alarm on my Fitbit, gently waking me up when I am in a light sleep cycle. I quickly jump out of bed and head to the kitchen.
I have my daily supplements ready: 2 nootropics for optimal brain function, one microdose of a psychedelic compound for creativity and a mix of vitamins and synthetic hormones that are DNA tailored for me. I take them with a tall cup of black coffee in which I stir a tablespoon of (grass fed) butter. The fat in the coffee boosts the absorption of my vitamin-D supplementation. It also slows down my metabolism which means the caffeine is absorbed slower to give me longer-lasting energy. I prepare my custom meal replacement drink that I developed myself. It's a 35:30:30:5 macro split, which means 35% of the energy comes from carbohydrate, 30% from fat, 30% from protein and 5% from fibre. That adds up to 100% of pure macro goodness.
It's 6:10 AM and now I sit for a 20-30 minute guided meditation session. I record it myself the night before and it includes my objectives for the day. Here's a sample:
Begin by getting relaxed. Focus your gaze on a spot in the distance and keep your eyes open for now. Raise your shoulders to your ears and move them in a circular motion, 3 times clockwise, slowly, do it once... do it once more... and one more time. Now do it counter clockwise, slowly, do it once... do it once more... and one more time. Raise your chin, focus your gaze and remind yourself that success is an attitude. You embody success, you can feel it in your chest, you can feel it with every breath you take. With every move you make, with every bond you break, with every step you take. Success is watching you, every single day.
Now close your eyes, and imagine a large blank screen. There is something written in small type in the middle of the screen: "10 new prospects today". Now you see the words getting bigger and bigger and bigger. The words get so big that they escape the borders of the screen. Now all you see is the number 10. Ten a day, five days a week, that's fifty prospect calls. In one month that's two hundred a month. That's two thousand four hundred a year. With a conversion rate of 2% that's 48 closers in a year. With a lifetime value of $750 per closer, that's thirty six thousand dollars a year.
Now take that thirty six thousand and double it every year. Second year that's seventy two thousand, third year, that's one hundred and forty four thousand. You do that four more times and you broke a million dollars. One million, one hundred and fifty two thousand to be exact. Visualise the number, you can see it on the screen. It's getting bigger and bigger and bigger, it envelops and hugs you. You can feel it touching you, and penetrating you, but not in a weird way.
Now slowly open your eyes. Let's kill it today. No pain, no game. Pain is game. Game is life. Life is pain. Game the pain. Welcome to the Pain Game. Let's crush it today.
It's 6:30 and get into my running gear for my daily 10K, which I complete in 60 minutes. On my run I listen to a motivational audiobook. Today I'm doing Reasons to Stay Alive by Matt Haig. I didn't finish the 10K on this particular occasion due to a cramp in my chest, pain in the lower back and blurry vision. But still, I'm out there, doing it.
By 7:30 I get into the shower and at 8:00 I'm out the door and driving to the office. While stuck in traffic, I start triaging my emails. The goal is inbox zero by end of play. My strategy is as follows:
- assess situations,
- prioritise where I can add value,
- schedule for later
- delete time wasters.
That number 4 is my favourite thing to do. I make a point to shout things like LOOSER or PIECE OF SHIT NOBODY when I delete an email as it pumps me up and lowers my empathy levels. In order to be in the mindset of a well oiled success machine, one must remember that machines do not have empathy. The mind of a machine is made of very precise cogs, like those of a really good digital watch.
10:00 I arrive at the office. It's much later than normal as I got into a slight accident and
subsequent argument with a bus driver. The hour I lost this morning is probably worth more than the bus driver makes in a week. I make a point to put a dollar sign against everything I do, as it puts things into perspective. I call it the Dollar-Vision.
10:30 to 11:30 Leadership Meeting. This is where I motivate my team. I like to think of myself as the alfa wolf and they are my little bear cubs. I have to nurture them. In this meeting I have to allow them to suckle at my teets, as they burrow their little wet cubby noses in my chest hair. Just kidding, I shave my chest.
The contents of this meeting is highly confidential so I can only give an outline of the agenda. It's a four parter:
Part 1 - MOTIVATION
Part 2 - STRATEGY
Part 3 - TACTICS
Part 4 - MORE MOTIVATION
I always start and end with motivation because scientific studies performed in vitro have shown that people only remember the beginning and the end, so that's where the important parts go.
12:00 It's noon and I'm at the gym. I always work out fasted and it's always lifting. Studies have shown cardio is for losers. If I faint, which doesn't happen all the time, I remember to adjust my vitamin intake the next morning. Usually it's zinc deficit. At this gym I'm VIP, I can always see gym staff hovering around me. It feels good to be appreciated (and likely envied).
13:00 I drink my meal replacement always at the gym, and I give it 15 mins to settle in, plus I have to be in close proximity to a bathroom at this stage. My body is by now super optimised to extract the required nutrients and quickly proceeds to purge the toxins. Sometimes this is quite explosive, and that's how I know it's working. If I have to take another shower, or a quick rinse below the waist, I do it before heading back to the office.
14:00 Now it's time for the first session of deep work. I start with reading the news, getting up to speed with where the world is at. And then I watch a couple of TED talks followed by some quick LinkedIn browsing. This part is essential, where the leads are nurtured. Like work anniversaries, post comments on achievements. A quick hack I developed: emojis save a lot of time when commenting and they are much more expressive than words and much less likely to be misspelled. If a picture if worth 1000 words, an emoji must be at least 300 - 500. I finish this session by posting something creative and outside-of-the-box but related to something topical. Something like "What does the war in Ukraine mean for B2B Lead Generation in 2022".
16:00 After I finish the deep work, it's time to do some more email triage. I start with the emails that I marked as important this morning. Browse through them and the ones that require a lot of time to reply to, I defer them to tomorrow. Another hack I developed here: if an email is deferred three times, it means it's not really important so it goes to the bin. This is important to achieve Inbox Zero.
16:45 First session of work is finished, I have my first solid meal of the day. I follow the carnivore diet: I only eat steak with salt. It's crazy that most people don't actually know this, but all vegetables release a toxin when they are picked, as a defence mechanism. That's why most people constantly live with inflammation, their bodies are constantly inflamed because they are literally poisoned every day. A friend once asked me what is inflammation. I'm like "how would you know what normal feels like if you've lived your entire life in sickness?". Then I karate chopped him right in the neck.
18:00 If the day was super intense, by now I am getting very tired which means it's time for quick 2-3 hour power nap so I head home. I do it while listening to Joe Rogan, because even as you sleep, information seeps into the brain. Like a piece of chalk absorbing ink, from that Colgate commercial.
21:00 Wake up from the nap, sometimes quite disoriented. This is a sign that I worked extra hard so I usually give myself a little reward: order a large pizza, always meat lovers pizza as to remain adjacent to the carnivore diet, a large diet Pepsi and a small bucket of dairy-free ice cream. If they don't have dairy free I consider it a cheat day. If there's time, I record the meditation session for tomorrow. If not, the next day I will listen to Sam Harris.
Time to doze off, ready for the hustle to start again tomorrow. Peace out brothers and sisters.
This post is satirical. I have to specify this. God help us all.